Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Fibro Awareness Day

     Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  It is also Mother's Day.  It's funny that these two days are together this year because my Fibro has been a part of my kids' lives for as long as they can remember.        
     Tonight I watched a mother running with a camera in her hand to capture each one of the kids' moments as they ran and played in the gardens.  Then she picked up one child, spun him in circles, lifted him up on her shoulders and ran with him up the hill.  It was a beautiful moment that I never experienced with my kids.
     I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia twelve years ago when my son was 2 and my daughter was 6.  It was a difficult time for them.  I was in constant pain and nothing helped.  My feet often felt like they were on fire and walking was very difficult.  Any kind of physical exertion left me curled up in bed for days.  I wasn't sure if I could keep working and being the breadwinner made that thought unbearable.  My kids didn't have much of a mom in those dark years.  Thoughts of ending it all were always near.  While driving in the car I would think about opening the door and ending the pain.  I was depressed but it was only a symptom of being in so much physical pain that I couldn't take any more.
     My children saved me.  I guess they misunderstood something the doctor said.  My son said, "Mom, when you die, do you want me to kill myself so you won't be lonely?"  That day changed my life.
     I heard about a clinic that was new and signed up to hear about their program.  I impulsively paid $500 down payment on my credit card and crossed my fingers it wouldn't be denied.  I began working two jobs to pay for the treatments that the insurance wouldn't pay because it was "experimental."  I also started educating myself and read anything and everything about Fibromyalgia.  If I was going to keep living, I was going to have to find a way to change what I had been doing.
     I still live with pain every day and some days breathing is the most I can do, but I am still here.  I AM STILL HERE and that is a celebration in itself because I am a mom to two kids that have saved my life numerous times.